this sombre song would drain the sun;

Friday, November 06, 2009 1:52 AM

i feel like i'm stuck in one of those cyclical time Marquez novels, where time and actions keep repeating themselves and playing themselves out over and over again. i've spent a good portion of my day surfing blogshops, going back to the same blogs over and over again for no particular reason except to see if anything there will catch my eye again. i've gone onto perez a couple dozen times too. i keep playing with my hair, pouring myself cups of water to drink. and flicking the tv switch on and off.

when all's been said and done, i think my essay is just turning out very very badly and i don't know what the hell i'm writing anymore. i should be a lot more panicky, but strangely, i'm not in the least. i'm in this weird Zen state where i'm just doing everything else except my essay. i think i'm trying to pretend it doesn't exist.

ugh and i'm still feeling disgruntled and unsettled and too too restless.

Thursday, November 05, 2009 6:17 PM

it is freezing today. i am sitting in my living room with the mattress spread out and my favourite blanket wrapped around me as i try to make myself as comfortable as possible so that those creative juices will flow unhindered for the 1st poco/pomo essay due tomorrow. unfortunately, being so comfortable has made me pick up my tv remote for the 1st time in like a year, and i spent a good part of the afternoon channel surfing and watching re-runs of CSI, House, and drooling over those cooking shows on Discovery Travel & Living.

which i suppose is a huge improvement over my incessant urge to blogshop nowadays. i have seriously spent so much money buying things from blogshops. i wouldn't even shop like that when i'm out. i suppose it's cos each piece is priced deceptively at $26-$28, not including postage fees. i've accumulated 4 dresses and a bag so far, and that's not counting all those things that haven't arrived yet.

all this is making me extremely restless. i feel like i should be doing something more substantial with my life other than worrying over essay deadlines and buying a motherlode of clothes which i don't really need to begin with. maybe i should get down to writing that book i've been wanting to write all this while. problem is, i'm totally uninspired and thoroughly sick of writing.

and the brunch i whipped up for myself at 1130am seems like yesterday already. the bacon, eggs and soup have all but disappeared and my tummy's growling like it needs to be fed, pronto. BAH.

on a happier note, i think i shall actually do something tomorrow to celebrate my birthday! yay for me, at least something non-work related i can look forward to. :) :)

can't wait to wear some of my new clothes tomorrow!
okay i sound horrifically shallow and bubble-headed.

who cares, it's not like anyone actually reads this thing anyway.

so for the sole benefit of myself, i shall post up pictures of tomorrow! so that when i look back, i can see what i actually did with my days. :D

Thursday, October 29, 2009 4:01 PM

one mightily badly written philo essay down, two reports to churn out by tonight.

i'm fricking tired, having only slept at 6 this morning and crawling out of bed at noon. my head is pounding. i think i'm gonna take a little nap before i start on the reports.

the caterwauling of the cats outside my house is bordering on unbearable now.

the female must be in heat.

4:16 AM

i know i have to finish my philo essay by tonight, or i will not sleep at all. my mind will be buzzing with activity, arguments and counter-arguments running through my head at breakneck speed. i'm about one or two paragraphs away from a very satisfying rest, after which i will have to rouse myself again and work on the medieval lit report AND the game design play test summary report due on Friday. then slog it out over the weekend to put my Harry Potter presentation together for Monday. and then get my act together again to write the first of my two postcolonial essays by Friday. which reminds me, i have to beg for an extension from one of my professors for an essay.

and i'm suddenly feeling terrible. i've spent a motherlode of money on online shopping over the course of the last 3 weeks. what feels even more unjustifiable is the fact that i've only received ONE of the maybe 6 or 7 things i've bought - the rest of them were bought on backorders. i just paid $27.90 for a puff-sleeved dress from Oh So Fickle, which i'm expected to receive only on the 20th of November. i am soooooooooooooo weak-willed, seriously. money just flies out of my hands, even when i don't leave home. i need to get a grip on myself and save so i can shop my brains out when i go to Europe next May (!!!!!!!)

no more shopping.

only essaying.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009 4:48 PM

okay i am FINALLY getting somewhere with my essay: i've written an introductory paragraph that i am no longer ashamed to acknowledge.

i'm in two minds as to whether i should prepare my citations using the decidedly unfamiliar Chicago style (which apparently according to my tutor, is the style favoured by the field of academic philosophy, though i have my doubts on this), or the very-familiar MLA style which i have been memorizing and practising since the start of this semester.

sigh. i am turning out to be such a nerd. soon, i'll have fixed days for fixed routines, like Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

Tuesday night is Big Bang Theory and Gossip Girl night.

7:17 AM

i've been doing A LOT of blog shopping these days. having to stay home to do my work hasn't dampened my shopping spirit at all. in fact, it's made me want to shop more, cos the ability to buy something is just there - with the sending of an email.

i woke up early cos i couldn't really sleep. and i wanted to do the 1st para of my philo essay which i was supposed to do last night but didn't. had my morning coffee (note to self: find good coffee ASAP!), and some breakfast, confirmed my purchase of a black toga dress from BC, and am gonna TRY to start on my philo essay now.

and of course, picked out my outfit for school today already. that was the first thing i decided on when i got up this morning. sometimes, it feels like the self-satisfaction of wearing all my pretty clothes is all i have to look forward to each day i have to go to school, especially since a) no one really cares how i look like in school anymore, and b) i don't really care about what goes on in school anymore. maybe the two are interlinked, but don't quote me on that - yet.

i've taken to blabbering a lot here now that i no longer have facebook. it feels a bit liberating, actually, to be honest. try it some day, you'll find that not being tied to an online profile frees you immensely. sometimes, i wish i were born before all this technology was invented. i think i'd much prefer life before it became so wired up and connected. all there is to do is just milk a couple of cows a day and clean a few chamberpots; lace up my boots and tie myself up in my corsets.

Monday, October 26, 2009 10:32 PM

so today i was supposed to stay home and start on my philo paper.

the one i have to do superbly for? yeah.

i dawdled most of the day away, feeling far too hot to want to do anything except roll around in bed with the fan blowing right at me. i felt like a lizard basking in the heat.

writer's block seems to be my best friend this semester, it's been plaguing me since week 3.

so in a heroic effort to get past that, i grabbed my pad of paper and took myself downstairs, hoping that the change in scenery would inspire me a bit. i stared at the lush, overgrown mess of plants i like to call my garden. and waited for the muse of deep thoughts to visit me. scribbled on my pad of paper, and realised how nice it is to write with a pen on a piece of paper. we don't do enough of that these days.

Clem came over and we cooked a (possibly!) healthy meal of chicken and bacon burgers with caramelized onions and an egg each.

♥

took a walk out after that to get us some Paddlepop to satiate that sweet tooth a bit. Clem's been the sweetest, accommodating me now at my essay-writing bi-aaaaatchy worst, and more - coming over to keep me company, cooking for me, making sure i don't kill myself from frustration.

and speaking of frustration. there was a very pitiful cat meowing outside my house the entire day today. i wonder what happened to it? did it lose its kittens or what.

i've showered and i feel all nice and fresh. time for me to try to write my first paragraph of my philo essay!

Saturday, October 24, 2009 11:26 PM

it's a saturday night and i'm spending it at home trying to get my thoughts together. and trying to read endless stacks of books/papers for my stream of essays due within the next 3 weeks.

oh, and i've deactivated my facebook account. just so i can concentrate a bit better. facebook is TOO distracting.

Thursday, October 22, 2009 11:14 PM

i have decided to put my life in order again. no more whining and moping. i need to be fit and fabulous again to face the last few weeks of this tiresome semester. in an attempt (perhaps feeble) to stave off my mounting panic, i shall list out all my deadlines here, then tackle them one by one.

week 11

26 Oct (Monday): game design reflection item

29 Oct (Thursday): philo final essay and 3 comments

30 Oct (Friday): medieval lit presentation report

week 12

2 Nov (Monday): research workshop presentation

6 Nov (Friday): postcolonial long essay on Coetzee

week 13

9 Nov (Monday): research journal and presentation report, and game design presentation

13 Nov (Friday): medieval lit essay & postcolonial independent project on magical realism

okay. that doesn't seem too bad. i can do this. i can do this.

and while i'm at it, i'll try to ensure my social life does not disintegrate more than it already has.